Let me tell you a story about this rocking chair. I bought this chair when we moved to Oman in 2015. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it and told myself “This is the perfect breastfeeding chair!”
I convinced my husband to get it for me. It didn’t take much because we were planning for a third child as soon as we’ve settled down.
A month later I fell pregnant.
I sat on this chair every.single.day, rocking back and forth, placing my hand over my womb, with a smile on my face, already imagining the hours I would clock in it.
It was an ectopic pregnancy, I had to be rushed into surgery and we lost the baby.
During my recovery, I sat in this chair, in a gentle rock, just staring out the window, in silence, grieving the lost of the child that had my heart but never took breath.
It has been 4 years since I had this chair.
I was contemplating on the fate of the chair because it held bittersweet memories. I didn’t want to keep it for long but I didn’t want to let it go to just anyone. It had to be someone who will take care of it and cherish it as much as I have.
Yesterday it went to a new home. We traveled 2 hours to deliver this chair to a third time mother who had recently gave birth.
This morning she texted me to say she loved it and it made me happy. I am glad it went to a home where it will be used to its full potential.
There is an empty space now at the corner of my room, where the chair used to be. When I woke up this morning, I sat in this empty space and reflected on the whole experience.
This is what it meant by rezq.
Who would’ve known that the chair that I bought for my child and me was meant for someone else 4 years later? The moment I laid my eyes on the chair, it was that moment Allah had planned that it will end up being used by someone else 4 years later, albeit the intention that I had planned to buy it for myself.
In 2015, I have never met her and she has never met me. She did not have a clue that she would end up having her third child here and I wouldn’t know that I would end up gifting the chair that I have taken care of for 4 years whilst waiting for her to catch up with Allah’s decree.
They plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the best of planners. Surah Al Anfal, Ayah 30
How meticulous Allah’s plans are. Allah detailed the exact moment, the exact shop, the exact people, the exact money, the exact location, the exact time for this whole incident to transpire four years later.
If I do not take that as a sign of Allah’s wisdom, then I must be fool.
A wise friend of mine once said, “Kaka, selagi apa yang kaka bali, alum kaka pakai, kaka makan, kaka guna, balum tah lagi rezeki kaka tu. Ada tah hak orang lain atasnya. Kaka tukang jagakan saja sampai waktu kana bagi arah orang atu.
Loose translation not verbatim:
Whatever that is in your possession is not truly yours until you wear it, use it or eat it. Until then it belongs to someone else, Allah has ordained you are the keeper of the other person’s rezq.
It makes a lot of sense, yes?
That money in your bank account, not really yours until you use it.
That new hijab still in it’s box, not really yours until you wear it.
That box of chocolates in the pantry, not really yours until you eat it.
The epiphany I had while sitting at that empty spot of where my chair use to be was:
Just like that chair wasn’t truly mine until I sat in it with the baby I intended to breastfeed, that baby wasn’t truly mine until I carried it for 40 weeks, give birth to it, and held it in my arms as it takes its first breaths.
At that moment I was overcome with a sense of peace and contentment.
Perhaps this was Allah’s way of saying my time of grieve is over, perhaps He is saying I should move on because He will replace the chair or the baby with something better, I just need to let go.
And I did.
So my dear reader, I pray that one day you will learn to let go of the grieve that has took residence in your heart, I pray that you will one day find peace and contentment that you have seek as each day pass, I pray that Allah will replace whatever you have lost with something better and insyaAllah, He will.
It’s not meant to be yours the way you want it to be.
It was meant to be yours the way Allah wanted it to be. And it will be in the most beautiful of ways.
Go with God.